SOAP OPERA EXTREME: Desert Ramen Love
by Miss Madd
Summary: Sequal to 'On Ramen Bowls' Chaos reins in the desert when two love struck shinobi fight over a clueless blonde fox... who has a secret love of his own he's setting out to seduce! Yaoi. Langauge. blah blah blah... RamenVerse
1. Chapter 1

_**SOAP OPERA EXTREME:**_

_**Desert Ramen Love**_

_**Chapter One: The Five Travelers Vs. the Sand! Showdown for Supremacy!**_

_**A/N: sequel to On Ramen Bowls! Wootness!**_

_**Ok. I had the CRAPPIEST birthday ever this weekend… why? Only one person showed up for my party, and when my friend Rose (the only one who DID come) took me to a different party, I saw her mom there and SPILLED her cup of booze. Yes. Now her mom thinks I'm a indecisive devil worshipper AND a klutz.**_

_**Wooo. Go ME.**_

_**Disclaimer: Ok, this is for the whole story so I don't forget, yo. I do not own Naruto. If I did, the story would not be appropriate for little kiddie eyes, and there would be lots of hot yaoi scenes and Naruto would be the ultimate uke with a bunch of hot men after him. Yups.**_

_**--------------------------**_

To say Sasuke Uchiha was pissed would be the understatement of the year. First, he had to go to the fucking desert with his dobe. Which, in all actuality, would have given him major groping/molestation time. Would have being the key words there. Would have, as in, would have given him major groping/molestation time IF a certain eye-liner-wearing-freak from said desert, a gay artist wannabe who looked freakishly like him, and a pale eyed Hyuuga who was also OBVIOUSLY in love with Sasuke's blonde weren't coming, too.

If that wasn't bad enough, he went home to pack to discover that his entire apartment was burned down. The culprit unknown.

So, yes, Sasuke Uchiha was pissed beyond understanding.

------------------------

To say Neji Hyuuga and Sai were annoyed would be an understatement. First, they had lost their love to the eye-liner-wearing-freak from the desert. That, however, they could deal with. At least Naruto would be well taken care of in his many times of hyperactivity induced stupidity.

No, what made this a **_bad_ _fricking_ _day_ **was the fact that they had to travel across some **_God Forsaken DESERT _**with the Uchiha Bastard who was constantly trying to molest their love.

Life officially SUCKED ASS.

-----------------------

Temari was ecstatic. Not only could she get awesome video coverage for this, but she already had five buyers back in Konoha! Ino, Ten-ten, the shopkeeper's daughter, that Moegi girl, and that strange ex-babysitter. Not only that, she had sold Kankurou's idiotic Spy Binoculars to that strange babysitter, her friends, and a random author--a creepy black haired girl with glasses who apparently wrote Naruto-Uke fan fictions… (A/N: SHOUT-OUT TO ALL MY FELLOW NARUTO-Pr0n-STALKERS! WOOOOT!)

If she had a soul, she would feel bad for giving those obvious Naruto-Pr0n-Stalkers a thirty dollar ticket to Naruto's privacy. Good thing she sold her soul for her video camera.

-----

Kankurou… was depressed. Gaara had crushed his walkie-talkies when Kankurou had heroically tried to free them from Gaara's imprisonment. And… Temari had stolen his binoculars!

This was a BAD day.

-----------

Gaara was… well, Gaara.

--------------

Naruto was hyperactively happy. Which, in reality, wasn't that strange for the orange wearing ninja. He had gone home, packed his things, and waited for his companions to arrive--several of which looked to be plotting evil things.

He shuddered to think.

"You guys ready! This is going to be SO GREAT! Believe it!"

"Naru-chan," Temari began slowly, "is this your first time to Suna?"

"Yup! I can't wait to get there! LET'S GO!" Naruto declared, pointing in a random direction and marching.

The other deadpanned and wondered how long it would take him to realize that 1) they weren't following him, and 2) he was going the wrong way.

…

It took exactly Five Minutes, thirty-three seconds for him to realize the aforementioned two factors. It took fifteen seconds of bruised ego stroking from his teammates (who all agreed a happy/hyper Naruto was better than a silent/gloomy one) for him to go back to randomly chattering and going on about how great this trip would be.

-------

By the forth day, Naruto had decided this trip was completely stupid.

"This trip is completely stupid!" Naruto whined, voicing his newly found opinion.

His four companions sighed.

It was true! Only tow days ago, Temari and Kankurou (Naruto's main source of entertainment in the form of harassment) had been forced to go back to Konoha after Kankurou realized he forgot his secret stash of GaaNaru Pr0n manga under the hotel bed…

The others tried not to think about the fact that Kankurou was reading pr0n about his brother and one of his friends. It was too disturbing to think of.

---

It was another two days later that the end had come for our poor, poor Naruto.

"I'm DEAD."

"Dobe, get up." Sasuke snapped, looking annoyed.

"I told you, teme, I'd DEAD."

Neji and Sai sighed heavily as they watched Gaara glare at Sasuke, who was nudging Naruto with his foot. Naruto, for his part, was lying face down in the desert sand, claiming to be dead and that he would never be Hokage because the evil-desert-of-death had killed him and that he would lye here and be food for buzzards.

Gaara sighed heavily, "Naruto, if you do not get up, you really WILL die."

Naruto gave a grunt.

Neji rolled his eyes, the smile that was wanting to stretch across his face cleverly hidden, "He's right, Naruto. The desert sun is a deadly thing, especially during this time of year. If you lay there like that, you could sunburn very badly."

A grunt.

Sai cracked his knuckles and grinned, his turn, "You really ARE a _Dickless_ wonder--if you were a MAN, not a WOMAN, you would be up and walking, like the rest of us MEN. Too bad you're just a _Dickless_ WOMA--"

Sai gave out a girly scream as his precious lower regions were kicked ruthlessly and he was chased through the entire desert by a vicious blonde.

This week on Animal Planet: Sai and Naruto. To the left, you will see a Sai. Sai are not know to be the brightest Seme-creatures, and have emotional problems. They have a tendency to mock the Uke-species Naruto, and many other species as well. Naruto, on the other hand, are generally good-natured little Ukes. However, when angered, they have a tendency to go from adorable-molest-me-please-ukes to man-eating-I-will-rip-you-apart-ukes. Tune in at seven o'clock to watch the interaction of Naruto with other Seme-species.

The others sighed heavily and shook their heads as they followed.

---

Naruto decided he did not like sand. It was PURE EVIL.

"SAND IS EVIL!"

Gaara frowned slightly and Sasuke smirked.

"What did the sand do, dobe?"

"IT'S IN MY PANTS! UUUUUGH!" Naruto shrieked as he went about tearing his pants off and waving them around his head angrily, trying to get said sand out.

Naruto knew sand was evil. The other four, however, decided they liked it very much.

---

"…I'm dying…"

"Not this again…" Sasuke muttered, pinching his nose. Naruto was cute and molestable and all, but this was _ridiculous_!

"I really am!" Naruto whined, fanning himself, face flushed.

Neji and Sai sighed heavily and plopped down on the sand to watch who would get Naruto to move first: Gaara, or Sasuke.

"Come on, dobe. We're only a few hours away from the city!" Sasuke argued.

"But Sasuke-teme! I'm telling you, I feel like I'm about to _DIE_!"

Gaara frowned and leaned forward, staring at Naruto with a worried expression. Gingerly, he let his palm fall on Naruto's forehead and his expression gained a deep frown, "Naruto, you have a high fever and you are heavily sunburned."

Sai gaped, "What! But he's the tannest out of all of us! He shouldn't burn as quick!"

Neji berated himself for his stupidity as Gaara carefully lifted Naruto and dropped him over his back, "Naruto is also the only one of us who has never been on a mission to Suna before. It is only logical he be most affected."

Naruto whined something about not being a sissy girl as he cuddled his face against Gaara's neck.

Gaara sighed to himself as he turned to the others, who had evidently decided to put their little war on hold for Naruto's safety, "I'll carry him back, when we arrive he needs to see a doctor for his burns."

Sasuke twitched at Gaara carrying him, but nodded in annoyance all the same.

Apparently, the sand wins against Naruto.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

End Chapter

Thanks to everyone who reads this! LOVE U ALL!! And special thanks to my new Beta, Singingrain!


	2. Chapter 2

SOAP OPERA EXTREME: Desert Ramen Love

Chapter Two: Operation Love! Naruto learns the Super-Secret-Shinobi-Art-of-Seduction!

A/N: Heh… not much to say. -shruggles-

------------------------------- 

The four men stared down at the shaking, flushed form of their beloved fox vessel. In the day they had been here, his temperature had increased drastically, and had leveled out at a dangerously high degree around night fall. Now, here they were, standing around his bed at dawn the next day, waiting for the blonde to regain consciousness.

Of course, the damned nurse had decided she had to go home and sleep, or some such garbage, a few hours ago. And, of course, not a single one of them was a skilled medical ninja.

If they were smart they would have called Temari in to help, since she had arrived back with Kankurou a few hours ago.

Sadly, they were just a bunch of stupid, hormonal teenagers.

So, when Naruto started to toss and turn, moaning in his sleep, they panicked.

"OH MY GOD! NARUTO'S DYING!" Sai screamed, eyes wide.

"What do we do??!!" Neji whispered, his own eyes bulging out as he hustled around the room, trying to find the coal-compass… or whatever that strange thing the nurse had put on Naruto's head had been.

Gaara, for his part, was trying not to hyperventilate. The love of his life, his savior, was lying in their future wedding bed, panting and moaning. And NOT in the way Gaara had planned! His eyes widened in slight panic as he stared down at the shuddering form. He hadn't told Naruto. He had been a coward. Now Naruto was going to die without knowing.

Gaara made a vow, then and there. If Naruto made it through this, he would confess his love and whisk the blonde away to some remote place, far, far away from the accursed sun that threatened to separate them. And he would only allow the sand from his guard within five miles of his beautiful blonde.

…and he'd kill any fool that tried to bring sand or sunlight near his beloved. Yes. He'd kill them. And it would be a slow, tortuous death.

Sasuke was thinking along the same lines. However, his thoughts bordered on the fact that he hadn't claimed his dobe yet, and that he died without being properly molested. It was a tragic thing, one which he would not allow!

He had his pristine eyes set on the younger blonde, and he would be DAMNED if some fucking sun and sand was going to take him away! He was an Uchiha, damn it! Uchiha's always got what they wanted.

---

"Aww, man, I hate being sick!" Naruto whined from his place lying face down on the floor, "I get stuck with you, you stupid old fox!" 

Kyuubi growled in irritation from behind the bars of the cage and snarled out, "If you weren't such a foolish brat, you wouldn't be sick in the first place!"

Naruto muttered under his breath about damned stupid foxes being pains in the asses. 

A rumbling growl was his answer.

"Alright, you stupid fox, what do you want?"

"Your body."

"No fuck, Bastard. What is it with freaky old things and trying to take over people's bodies, huh? First Orochimaru wants Sasuke's body, now you want to take mine over! Well, it's MY body, so NYAH!" Naruto snapped, sticking his tongue out and crossing his arms over his chest for good measure.

Kyuubi evil red eyes dimmed slightly in disbelief, 'Is he really this stupid?' Kyuubi smirked and decided to test a little theory…

"I want to eat you, Naruto."

"WHAT?!"

"Yesss…" Kyuubi growled out a purr; the deep, sultry rumble from his chest shaking the room, "I want to take you deep in my mouth and devour you…" 

"CANNIBAL!"

If Kyuubi had human facial features, they would have face faulted. So, his vessel really was that naïve. 

"You know, brat, I've seen the way they stare at you…" 

Naruto deflated slightly and looked away, "What else is new, bastard? They're always glaring at me…"

Kyuubi scowled, "Not them, you idiot!"

Naruto gave him a blank look, "Eh?"

With a snarl, Kyuubi turned away from the annoyingly adorable idiot and ground out, "You should awaken soon, they're waiting."

It was pathetic. Here he was, the great Kyuubi no Kitsune, demon Lord. Most feared of all demons. Most powerful. Most lethal. Most dominant. Trapped inside what had to be the most Uke of all creatures he had ever seen.

If the other demons saw him now, they would die laughing before he even got a chance to kill them.

Gods, life was a pathetic mess of fucking irony.

---

Naruto groaned.

The others froze.

He shifted, sighing heavily.

They inhaled. 

Naruto cringed as the sudden light hit the back of his eyelids, forcing him fully awake from his previous conversation with the Baka no Kitsune. Blinking dazedly, he pushed himself up and yawned, stretching.

GUSH. THUD.

Pausing, he stared at the four unconscious bodies on the ground, surrounded in a pool of blood.

"OH MY GAWD! TEMARI, THEY DIED!"

Temari poked her head into the room upon hearing the blonde's scream and glanced down at the bodies, face blank with boredom, "They'll be fine."

"W…What's wrong with them?"

Temari gawked at him. Didn't he know? Wasn't it obvious?

Was he really THAT much of a virgin? She watched dumbly as he poked the unconscious bodies with wide, horrified eyes.

Yeah. Apparently he was.

"Aww… he's kind of cute." Kankurou blinked, peeking in from behind her.

Temari nodded, grinning at the scene.

"If those idiots do die, I have dibs on Naru-chan." he chirped brightly.

At the mere notion of another possible threat to their claim, Gaara and Sasuke were on the cat-suited ninja, attempting to strangle him. Neji and Sai, censing trouble, rose as well and took in the scene, shrugged, and hauled themselves off the floor.

Naruto gaped and pointed, "IT'S A MIRACLE, THEY LIVE!"

---

Uke-creatures are very shy by nature. Most will spend their entire prepubescent lives being picked on by larger, not-yet-interested-in-sex seme-creatures. When puberty strike the Seme and Uke world, conflicts arise and the Uke-creatures are a valuable commodity among the greater numbered Seme-creatures.

However, in some instances the Seme-creatures are too busy fighting one another to notice that the Uke-creature, too, is interested in finding a mate. When no mate comes to claim him, he will often search out his own mate.

Such is the case in the Naruto-Uke. The once passive Naruto will go to extreme lengths to please a potential mate and to draw attention to itself. Naruto are a very well-loved form of Uke, so they have many potential mates. Hyuuga-Seme, Sai-Seme, Gaara-Seme, and Uchiha-Seme are just a few of the Seme-creatures that would fight for the attentions of the Naruto-Uke. Not to be deterred from his quest, the Naruto struggles on and searches for the perfect mate.

Once having selected a potential mate, the Naruto then goes about he task of capturing said mate's interest. However, Naruto are often very timid and uncertain creatures, and lack self-esteem. Thus, they constantly worry over the female breeds entering its mating grounds and stealing away its mate. 

So, in order to make sure it will secure a strong, healthy mate, it will go to extreme lengths in a short amount of time to make itself as desirable as possible. This may include Uke-inspired clinging, big, Uke-fied eyes, and Uke-attempts at seducing. 

"YOOOSH!" Naruto declared to the empty kitchen later that night, mouth still stuffed half full with ramen, "I WILL SEDUCE HIM AND WIN OVER HIS HEART!"

"Oi, idiot… who are you talking to?"

Naruto jumped and turned to look at Kankurou, "Oh, heh heh… I didn't think anyone was here."

Kankurou raised an eyebrow at that but said nothing.

"Ano… Kankurou-san…"

Said cat-suited man blinked, and looked down at the big, Uke-fied eyes looking up at him imploringly, "Yeah?" he managed to gulp out, resisting the urge to glomp… or molest. 

"I need your help. You're smooth with the ladies, right?" 

Kankurou smirked, chest puffing out. It is a widely known fact that Kankurou-Creatures (whom have yet to be classified as a Yaoi Breed and are thought to be mostly heterosexual) are a sucker for ego-stroking.

"Well, I was wondering… can you teach me how to seduce someone?"

Kankurou blinked, and gaped. 

Naruto blinked.

Kankurou blinked.

Naruto blinked.

Kankurou grinned, hooking an arm around Naruto's shoulders, "My little Naru-chan, step into my office and I shall teach you the Super-Secret-Shinobi-Art-of-Seduction that has been passed down from student to teacher for generations!"

Naruto blinked, awed, "Who taught you?"

Kankurou blinked, "Eh? Er, well, this is a first generation thing." he replied shiftily. 

"Oh… COOL!"

Temari rolled her eyes and followed the pair to Kankurou's office (if it could be called that) where the poor blonde idiot was doomed to learn some half-assed seduction secrets. This would, however, make great footage.

---

"…" 

"Aww, come on, Gaara! It's not like I was molesting him!" 

"…"

"He came to me, I didn't make an advancement on him, I swear!"

"…You're blaming your perversion on Naruto?" Gaara hissed.

The other Shinobi watched solemnly as Kankurou was thoroughly thrashed and beaten for having the blonde in his room. All night. Naruto gaped and tried to reason out just why Gaara had suddenly gone into obsessive-Seme mode and tried to kill Kankurou.

Temari looked up and smiled brightly, "Who wants coffee?" 

-----------------------------------------------------

Next chapter: Shika makes a comeback and Naruto puts his seduction into play!


	3. Chapter 3

SOAP OPERA EXTREME: Desert Ramen Love

Chapter Three: Seduction 101--The Way to a Man's Heart, and Enter the Shadow! Memories of the Phantom!

A/N: Dedicated to my fellow Weird Sister, Crystal, and her wife Saki Hanajima!

This is the edited version... thank you to my beta, Singingrain! I LOVE YOU! glomps and plushies to all my reviewers! And now for shameless self-advertising: READ MY SHIKANARU fic! It's angsty fun! n

(be thankful i don't demand reviews yet!)

---

Naruto was in a bad predicament. A very bad one indeed. He was currently running down the halls, holding himself, crying.

Why, you may ask?

Simple. Naruto needed to go to the bathroom. And he couldn't find it.

"OH, BATHROOM, WHERE ART THOU?!?" he proceeded to run into random doors, "I NEEDEST THOU!!!" he tripped over his own feet and fell into a random room, "I NEEDEST TO PEEEEEE!" amazingly, the room he fell into happened to be the bathroom, "BATHROOM! I HAVE FOUNDEST THOU!"

Several people stared at the blonde as he slammed the door shut.

Slowly, Neji turned to look at Kankurou and muttered, "Do you think he realized he only went five feet to get there?"

"No… we shouldn't ruin his fantasy, though."

The others nodded solemnly.

A minute later, Naruto came out skipping happily, "Alas, Bathroom, if thou'st were a person, and I was not happily committed to my precious person, who is the most beautiful person in the world other than Ramen. HOLY RAMEN!, I would marry thee. But, I AM happily committed! So quitest thou attempted seduction of me, thou swine!" he cried, pointing accusingly at the door and storming away.

Sai coughed, "When did Naruto started saying 'thou' and 'thee'?"

The others shook their heads in befuddlement.

---

Naruto cracked his knuckles as he looked around the kitchen with a nod. Yosh! He could do this! Cooking would be easy!

"Now, Naruto. The fastest way to a man's heart is through his stomach!" Kankurou stated firmly.

"Yosh! I shall cook for him and he shall love me like ramen!"

"… dude, lay off the ramen."

"…Ok, Kankurou-sensei…"

So, that was that. Naruto would cook something for his precious someone, and that person would in return love him! But… what to cook?

CAKE!

Yes! Everyone loved cake! But… how did one go about cooking said cake? Naruto frowned as he glanced around the kitchen. It couldn't be that hard, if Sakura-chan and her obsessive Sasuke-stalkers could do it! With a final nod, he went about searching for ingredients.

---

"OH MY FRICKING GODS! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO NARUTO!?" Temari shrieked as she batted away the great gob of goo monster that had at one point of time been attempted cake batter.

"I just put the ingredients together!" Naruto cried from his place trying to shove the stove door shut (where more of said goo-monster was trying to leak out of).

"What the HELL did you PUT IN IT?!"

"Uh… eggs, sugar, flour, salt, baking powder…"

Temari growled, "How MUCH baking powder, Naruto?"

"Uh… the whole box…"

"WHAT!?"

Naruto cried as he back flipped away from the now-goo-monster-exploding stove, "I THOUGT IT WOULD GET EXTRA FLUFFY IF I ADDED MORE IN!"

"Naruto… YOU IDIOT!"

---

Kankurou gaped in horror at the mess that was the kitchen.

Gaara gaped at the mess that was Naruto and his sister.

Sasuke gaped at the mess that was begging to be cleaned off--with his tongue--of the blonde. (because, let's face it, we all know he's a sick pervert)

"N-Naruto… what happened here?" Neji gaped.

Temari coughed and tried to pry drying goo from her hair, "Idiot here decided he needed to BAKE something."

"Naruto."

"…Yeah, Gaa-chan?"

"You are not allowed near the stove again. Ever."

"Hai… Gaa-chan."

---

Shikamaru sighed as he looked around the empty apartment that a certain blonde idiot had once lived in. Idly, he wondered when becoming the blonde's friend had become less troublesome than ignoring him.

There was a gaping hole in the blonde where his stomach had been only minutes before. Shikamaru could do nothing but stare as the Uchiha sneered over at the blonde from his place leaning against the tree.

Shikamaru shuddered as he recalled the way the blonde had bled… It was frightening. Shaking his head, he plucked up the blonde idiot's ramen bowl and gingerly placed it in his backpack, and glowered at the evil goldfish. Stupid Hokage… making him bring the blonde his dumb ass fish.

--- A year Ago---

Shikamaru glowered slightly at the ugly black bug as he followed it. It was ironic, really… the same bug Naruto had searched for to find Sasuke was being used to find him.

Sighing, he glanced at the other members of his four person squad and shuddered to himself. This was… worse than the Sasuke-retrieval mission. During that mission, they fought to help Naruto make his goal, but now… they were fighting to help save his life.

The blonde may not want to admit it, but the Uchiha Bastard WOULD kill him…

---

Shikamaru, the only team member that had made it with the blonde this far, groaned in pain as he tried to pry himself off the floor to aid his dying friend. In the end, he could only hiss out at the raven haired idiot, "You… you stupid bastard."

Sasuke's eyes widened, then narrowed as he turned to sneer at him.

"You think he--ugh, cares if you kill Itachi…? You will never be able to… not with him… All he wants is… the sharingan… if he was stronger than Itachi, he would have chosen HIS body… the truth is Sasuke…"

"Shut up." Sasuke hissed.

"Orochimaru is weaker than Itachi."

Sasuke snarled at the two and walked over to Shikamaru, "Shut up, you stupid Lazy Ass. I will become stronger than Itachi, and I will kill him. Even if it means I have to kill you two to do it."

"S-Sasuke… do you hate us… that much?" Naruto whispered from his place bleeding on the floor.

Sasuke sneered over at the blonde, "No, I don't hate you, Naruto. TO hate means I would have to care about you. I feel indifferent to you--I couldn't care if you lived or died. You mean nothing to me."

Nothing.

Nothing.

NOTHING.

For once in his life, Shikamaru was truly terrified. Not of dying, not of never being able to have his children… He was terrified of the blonde haired boy that dragged himself off the ground, a single hand clutching his gaping stomach. He was terrified of the crimson eyes.

The eyes of a monster.

Shikamaru watched with wide, terrified eyes as the beast rose, chakra eating away at it's body. With a snarl, it rushed the Uchiha.

He'll never forget the words the monster snarled as he took the black haired bastard down:

I'll bring you back, no matter what. Even if I'm nothing, I'll die before I fail.

---

Shikamaru sighed heavily as he stared at the hospital room door. Just across the hall was a bandaged Uchiha, still barely breathing from the mess the fox had made of him. A fox that had nearly destroyed Naruto's own body when the seal had been broken. Taking a deep breath, he pushed open the door and entered the sickening white room.

Naruto looked up and gave him a weak smile, "Hey, Shika-bastard."

"Tch. Troublesome as always." Sighing heavily, Shikamaru sat down with a huff into the overly hard and obnoxiously uncomfortable chair.

"I… well…"

Sighing, Shikamaru leaned back and crossed his legs, "What is it, Naruto?"

"It's just… It hurts so much, Shikamaru…" Naruto whispered, staring out the window of the hospital room.

Shikamaru nodded from his place on the visitor's chair, "Tch. You burned your own body to a crisp, idiot. It will hurt for a while."

Naruto shook his head and turned to look at the dark haired boy, "Not my body, Shikamaru… my chest."

Ah, the heart… Such troublesome territory.

Shikamaru sighed, and frowned up at the ceiling, "Why didn't you just give up on him, Naruto? Why did you have to go and break the seal? This is all so troublesome…"

Why did you have to risk your own life to bring the traitorous bastard back?

"I don't know, Shikamaru…"

"Do you love him, Naruto?"

Naruto looked up at him and blinked, "What?"

"Do you love him?"

"…Yes."

"How?"

"What do you mean?"

Tch. This was so troublesome. "How do you love him, Naruto? What kind of love is it?"

"I… I don't know, Shika."

Shikamaru sighed to himself again as he gently touched his fingers together to think. A few minutes later, he spoke, "The way I see it, Naruto, is that Sasuke is like Hot Peppers."

Naruto blanched, "Hot peppers?"

Shikamaru nodded. The blonde should be able to understand food… "Yes, Naruto, hot peppers. Pretty to look at, but painful to eat."

"Just like Sasuke."

Shikamaru nodded, "It's alright to have hot peppers once and a while, Naruto, but you need to find food that you can live with forever."

"Like ramen!"

…Ramen. Of course.

"………Yes, like ramen………" Shikamaru mentally rolled his eyes as the blonde nodded thoughtfully.

"I think I'll ask Kyuubi to let this scar."

"Eh?"

Naruto grinned at him, "I want to be able to remind myself, Shika--I can be forgetful, you know?"

Shikamaru frowned, "Remind yourself of what?"

"That hot peppers burn."

There was a brief, soft knock at the door interrupting the comfortable silence before a red head pushed the door open.

"Gaa-chan! Hey!" Naruto chirped brightly, waving at him.

"Tsunade-sama said you could come out of your room for a while, Naruto… Would you like to eat with me?"

"Can we eat ramen!?"

Shikamaru rolled his eyes as he waved at his now energetic friend.

"… if you wish, Naruto."

---------------------------------

End chapter


	4. Chapter 4

SOAP OPERA EXTREME: Chapter Four

Chapter Four: Seduction 102--A New Teacher!

PLUS: The Halloween Edition!

A/N: eh… none, really… Oh! Vote time! How many of you would like this to remain good, clean humor, and how many would like smexy male on male lemons at the end?

And if anyone has any couples they would like to see in story form, or challenges, feel free to make requests! I'll get to them eventually! nn and, I'll get to them especially quick if they're weird pairings! HOWEVER! Naruto MUST be Uke! nods firmly

ItalicsFlashbacks

---

Ok. So the whole cooking thing didn't work out too well. Naruto sighed to himself as he paced around his temporary bedroom, frowning. With an aggravated groan, Naruto flung himself onto the bed and pouted. 

"_Ano… Kankurou-sensei… what do I do if that food thing doesn't work?"_

"Well, my young pupil, should the stomach fail you, use the oldest trick in the book!"

"What's that?"

"Tight clothes!"

"…huh?"

"Tight clothes, grasshopper. Men love their women (or men, in your case) wearing tight, revealing clothes!"  
  
Naruto hopped up, nodding, as he dashed to the closet. After five minutes of raiding said closet, he realized all he had were loose, baggy jumpsuits. Frowning, he debated what to do.

---

Temari could feel her eye twitching.

Naruto blinked up at her.

"Naruto… who told you such a STUPID thing?"

Naruto blinked again, "Kankurou did."

Temari sighed heavily as she shook her head. It figured Kankurou-baka would say something THAT stupid. Suddenly she wished she had gotten a camcorder with better sound reception. Latching onto Naruto's arm, she dragged him into her room and sat him down into a chair.

"Alright, Naruto. You want to seduce someone, right?"

Naruto nodded vigorously. 

"And you want to do it RIGHT, right?"

Again, he nodded.

"And you don't want to look like a sleazy hooker doing it, right?"

Again, a nod.

"Then forget everything that moron Kankurou told you," she crossed her arms and looked down at him, frowning, "got it?"

Slowly, Naruto blinked, "Ano… you mean he's not right?"

"No. Kankurou is a moron. He can't even get HIMSELF a girlfriend. Now, if you want to get that guy of yours to like you, just do as I say, alright?"

"Yosh!"

---

Neji frowned down at the board as he gently rubbed his chin. This move would take precision, finesse… there was no WAY this tube-top wearing freak was going to beat him. He was a Hyuuga! No scum of the earth ninja would beat him!

Smirking, he delicately moved a single red checker piece across the board.

"King me!"

Sasuke scowled at the two idiots playing checkers (where the HELL had Gaara picked up checkers, anyway?) and went back to his moping. Naruto had disappeared with Temari to go 'shopping' a few hours ago, and had nearly clawed Sai's eyes out when he volunteered to accompany them. Something about stupid males and their stupid testosterone ruining sister shopping time… which was scary, in a way, considering Naruto wasn't a girl either.

Sai pouted on his side of the board, glaring down at the checker pieces that were slowly advancing on his front lines. Tapping his fingers against the table, he searched out any possible movements that would gaurantee a victory.

"OH MY GOD! THE DICKLESS-WONDER IF BACK!" he yelled, pointing behind Neji.

Who, along with Sasuke and Gaara (who was viciously ignoring the 'idiot Konoha ninjas'), nearly gave themselves whiplash turning around. Smirking viciously, Sai nabbed two of Neji's pieces and hid them under the table.

"Cheater!" Neji snapped, turning around and glaring.

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Neji-san." Sai purred, moving a black checker piece across the board.

"I saw you steal my pieces!"

Sai blinked, "Eh?"

"360 degree eyesight, moron." Gaara muttered in annoyance, elbowing Sai in the back of the head inconspicuously as he turned. 

---------------------------------------

**_The Naruto Halloween Special! Curse of the Haunted Bathhouse! _**

--------------------------------------

Naruto grinned behind his fox mask, happy to have finally gotten rid of Sasuke and the others. Glancing over at his companion, a stoic ninja in a tanuki mask (which Naruto was proud to say he forced Gaara to wear without finding himself in a sand induced coffin), he fought back a light blush.

"Nay, Gaa-chan! How much further is the Haunted House!"

Gaara sighed heavily behind his mask and muttered out, "It's around the corner, Naruto."

"Yosh! This will be so exciting! It's my first haunted house, I bet it'll be really scary! Who would have thought they had haunted houses in Suna, I didn't even know you all celebrated Halloween here!" 

Gaara shrugged.

"This is so awesome! I can't wait to get in there and see everything! Do you think they'll try grabbing our feet? I wonder if anyone working there is a ninja, too? I mean, if they aren't, it would be kind of hard to scare us REAL ninja, right?"

Gaara sighed.

"It's still cool, though! We should go out for ramen after this, too! Is there a ramen shop near here, Gaa-chan? I haven't seen any around, but that doesn't mean there isn't one, and--"

"Naruto, we're here."

Naruto gave Gaara a huge grin behind his mask as he latched onto the taller, paler boy and proceeded to drag him into the haunted house.

As it turned out, the haunted house was quite… lame. In Gaara's opinion, at least. The blood on the walls was obviously fake (he had made people shed enough of it in his lifetime to know the difference between real and fake blood, thank you very much!), and the people working there were definitely NOT ninja, Hell, he could hear them coming a mile away.

These facts didn't seem to register for Naruto, Gaara noted with amusement, as he was currently trying to climb up the Kazekage like a cat would climb a tree in attempt to get away from a hand that attempted to latch onto his foot.

Not that Gaara was complaining, of course.

--- 

Gaara watched with a twitchy eyebrow as Naruto sighed heavily, leaning back in the steaming water. Why, oh WHY did he agree to going to a bathhouse with Naruto? Was he a masochist?

He glanced to his right and nodded slightly at the shadowy figures behind the curtain (who happened to be two random GaaNaru fans he found snooping through Naruto's stuff and hiding secret cameras in his room). For once in his life he was thankful for the random stalkers his Naruto seemed to pick up everywhere he went.

A slight smirk flickered over his features as Naruto froze, looking down into the water.

"G-gaa-chan, something just swam against my l-leg…"

"You're probably just imagining things, Naruto…"

"N-no, there it is again! OMG--IT'S MOVING UP MY LEG!" Naruto shrieked, launching himself over to Gaara and proceeded to glomp onto him, trying to get away from whatever was feeling him up under the water on the other side, screaming about tentacle monsters ass-raping him.

Of course, Gaara knew the only thing he had to worry about ass-raping him was currently being glomped by him… not that Gaara would ever tell him that. No, no. The sight of a naked Naruto clinging to him was MUCH too enjoyable. 

He'd have to be sure to send those girls an extra fifty dollars…

-------------------------------

The end nn;;


	5. Chapter 5

SOAP OPERA EXTREME: Desert Ramen Love

Chapter Five: Dinner Dates and Return of the Onbu and Lazy Ass!

Disclaimer: I don't own! Haha! I couldn't remember if I had a disclaimer in my first chapter or not… so… here it is!

---

Naruto eyed the garment warily. It was pretty, and everything… but… 

"Ano, isn't this a girl's outfit…?"

Temari sighed heavily and shook her head, "No, Naruto. That is a traditional man's Kimono."

"But… it looks like a dress…"

"It's not. Trust me, Gaara will love it." 

Naruto's face turned a brilliant shade of pink and he muttered a reply, scampering into the changing room. Grinning to herself, she sat down on the plush, overstuffed chair of the department store and waited for the blonde to try on the _insanely_ orange kimono.

A few minutes later Naruto emerged with a slight blush and glanced over at her, "Is it supposed to be this, uh, baggy?"

Temari looked him over and grinned a huge, evil grin.

"Perfect."

---

Kankurou nearly jumped his sister when she finally walked in the door, five hours later, "TEMARI! Thank GOD you're home! The cook left, and these teenagers are getting HUNGRY! YOU HAVE TO COOK THEM SOMETHING!" 

"Hey!" Naruto protested, glaring at Kankurou from behind Temari (and, consequently, buried under a mound of packages), "Just 'cause Temari-nee-chan is a girl doesn't mean she has to do the cooking!"

"Yeah, Kankurou-no-baka," Temari chirped, hooking an arm around the shorter blonde and dragging him away past the horrified faces of the other Shinobi, "go make your own food!" 

"Oh… My… God…" Sai whispered, eyes going wide. 

"Temari has turned Naruto into.. Into.." Neji covered his face in shame.

"A FEMINIST!" Kankurou sobbed, dropping down onto his knees.

"What are we going to do? We've lost Naruto to the female wiles." Sasuke whispered, looking around shiftily.

"More importantly," Sai muttered, eyes narrowing, "whose going to cook for us?"

From his place in the kitchen, Gaara slowly shook his head and slurped up his cup of instant cheesy ramen (A/N: ALL HAIL CHEESY RAMEN!). They couldn't even find themselves food… and they called themselves Shinobi. 

Tch. Losers.

---

"Are you sure this will work, Temari?" Naruto asked nervously as he stuffed his arms into the kimono sleeve.

"Trust me, Naru-chan! This will work perfectly! You look so adorable in that even I want to glomp you!" 

Naruto paused, sweat dropping, "Ano… I want him to like me, not glomp me…"

Temari waved him off as she spun him around to stuff him into what had to be (in Naruto's opinion) the fifth kimono layer, "Don't worry, Naruto. I know my brother, he'll definitely like this!"

Sighing, he nodded as he allowed her to tie his Obi, "…uh, how are we going to get me and Gaara alone, anyway?"

An evil, evil smile flashed over Temari's face as she cackled.

Naruto wondered vaguely who he was worse off listening to; Kankurou, the closet pervert, or Temari, the evil nut-case.

---

Gaara felt his eye twitch, "What dinner party."

The elderly man and his wife, both of whom Gaara recognized as high level officials in the area (whom were also telling him to get married every time he saw them), grinned at him brightly, "Why, the party with your darling little blonde!"

"…Blonde?"

"Yes, I believe your sister said his name was Naruto? She was quite happy you finally settled down! So are we, by the way, as it was horrendous for Suna's image, having our Kazekage unmarried and all! And getting married to such a well-known Konoha ninja, brilliant political thinking, if I do say so myself, Kazekage-sama!"

"…Married…?" 

"Gaa-chan-Koi!"

Gaara looked up blankly at the orange and yellow ball that had suddenly latched onto his arm. Blinking, he stared at the beaming boy and he fought back a nosebleed. Naruto was dressed in formal kimono attire, a large, baggy silken thing that flowed around his body like orange water laced with black flowers. His headband was missing, and his hair fell into his bright, shimmering eyes.

He looked adorable. Molestable. Whatever the definition happened to be.

"Ah, I see our guests have arrived! Naruto, be a dear and lead them to the dining area, hmm?" Temari chirped brightly, as Naruto nodded and scurried off with the two officials in tow, past a group of dumbstruck Konoha ninjas who were bleeding heavily through the nose.

"Temari… what is going on?" Gaara demanded once his own blood flow had come into check.

"Well, we met with them downtown while we were shopping, and I thought having Naruto pose as your, err, husband would be the perfect cover to get them off your back, nay?" she winked, elbowing him in the gut, "You can thank me later, baka." 

---

Shikamaru twitched and cursed his luck as he edged around the huge, hulking beast that was blocking his path. 

"ONBU!!!"

"Tch, troublesome." Shikamaru muttered, glancing around for a way out of his current… predicament.

Mentally, he cursed Naruto for dragging that tiny Onbu home with him and repopulating the world with the over sized monsters. Baka. Baka. BAKA.

"On-ONBU! Onbu Onbu!!! Ooooonbuuuuu!"

Shikamaru stared at the monster blankly as it waved its arms around, miming some kind slurping.

"…Naruto?" 

The Onbu nodded vigorously, "Onbu!" and began another series of motions, including stomping around and looking left and right.

"You're looking for Naruto…?"

Again, it nodded.

"…Why?"

The monster sighed and made another random set of motions that involved miming carrying something on his back.

There was a moment's (or ten) pause before realization set in, "Oi, are you the Onbu Naruto carried?" 

"ONBU!" it cheered, nodding.

Shikamaru sighed and rubbed his nose, "Tch, hw troublesome. I suppose you want me to bring you to him as well?"

"ONBU!" it cried, glomping onto him.

Cringing, Shikamaru tried to pry the over sized beast off of him to no avail.

He knew he should have told the Hokage to go screw herself when she asked if he would go on this mission.

Sighing, he trudged onwards. Really, life was such a drag.

---

Yeah… really short chapter. I'm sorrrrry!!! TT


	6. Chapter 6

SOAP OPERA EXTREME: Desert Ramen Love

Chapter Six: Dinner Parties and Foxy Mommas

A/N: Ok, first of all, I'd like to give a BIG sorry out to my reviewers… it's been, like, a week since I've updated… Sadly, I've been uberly sick with some damn cold/allergy crap that made me sleep most of the time I wasn't dragging my sorry butt to class (stupid college). And, again, sorry if this chapter blows and is uber short and crappy… I'm still sick and I'm working through the headache and sniffles here. TT 

---

This was not in the job description, Shikamaru thought bitterly as he trudged along through the desert; a lazy, heavy, furry monster singing off-key, and a moody looking goldfish his only companions.

Looking up at the sky, he glowered at the vast blue… emptiness.

"Tch. There aren't even any clouds. Troublesome."

"Onbuuuu!"

"…" 

---

"Oh-ho! You're husband is such a darling little thing, Kazekage-sama!" the elderly woman, whom Naruto soon found to be named Minoka, chirped, cooing at the blonde sitting next to her.

Gaara nodded solemnly, "Hai, Minoka-san." 

Minoka's husband, Kausa, grinned and clapped Gaara roughly on the back, "He sure is a damned cute thing, hell, if I was thirty years younger I think I'd even make a go at him!"

Gaara snorted, "You'd be one on a very LONG list."

Naruto blinked and looked at him with obvious confusion plastered on his face.

It still amazed Gaara how four ninja could be after him and he could NOT notice… His naivety was both cute and insanely annoying.

Kausa smirked, "Ah, so you're little blonde has his own little harem, eh?"

"One could say that." Gaara muttered, sipping his tea.

"Oh dear…" Minoka muttered, glancing at her tea cup, "we seem to be out of Jasmine tea…" 

Naruto, grinning, bounced up and chirped brightly, "Allow me, Minoka-san!"

"Awww! You're such a darling!"

--- 

Naruto looked around the kitchen blankly. Ok... It couldn't be THAT hard to make tea, right? RIGHT!

---

Gaara twitched and stared wide eyed at the drunken woman and her equally inebriated husband.

"Naruto…"

"Y-yes?" 

"WHAT did you put in their tea?"

Naruto giggled heavily and draped himself over Gaara, purring, "Heehee… I Dunnow, Gaaaa-chan."

Gaara twitched violently.

Perfect. Naruto was making passes at him… while he was intoxicated.

Could this dinner get any worse? 

"OOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNBBBBBBBBBBBUUUUUUUUUU!!!"

Gaara blinked yet again as a massive pile of fur and fluff bounded past him and dived onto the heavily inebriated Naruto.

"MONSTER!" 

"RUN!"

"IT'S GUNNA EAT US!!!"

The loud, extremely annoying shrieks and screams of their guests and various palace helpers went unnoticed to Naruto and the furry… thing latched onto him.

"ONBU! I'VE MISSED YOOOUUUU!" Naruto cried, glomping it right back… even though it was about twice his size and three times as heavy.

"ONBU!!!" It cried, tears running down it's furry face.

"Tch. It's troublesome, Naruto, but it wanted to see you apparently…"

Ah, yes. Where something is troublesome, he's always there to complain about it.

"Nara." Gaara greeted flatly.

"Subaku," Shikamaru drawled, holding up a plastic baggy, "Tsunade-sama sends her regards and… your fish."

Gaara stared blankly at the moody goldfish glowering at him.

"ONBU! ONBU ONNNBBUUUU!!!" 

The two Shinobi turned to look at a giggling Naruto.

"I've missed you too, Onbu! How have you been, huh?"

"Onbu, Onbu on-Onbu-bu!"

"Really! Awesome!"

"Onbu!" 

It amazed both Gaara and Shikamaru that Naruto could speak Onbu-nese fluently. Then again, the blonde was both stupid and suprising, so they should have expected something so ridiculous. 

The large Onbu looked around and his eyes landed on Gaara. Blinking, Onbu turned to look back at Naruto. After a long moment, a slow, crafty smile spread over Onbu's face, "Onbuuuuuu?" Wink. 

"ONBU!" Naruto gasped, blushing, "Don't say things like that!"

"Onbu! Onbbuuuuu! On-on-Onbu!" Waggle of the eyebrows and another wink.

"Onbu! Don't you talk in front of your mother like that!"

"Ooooonu." A self-satisfied smirk.

"Don't you take that tone with me! I raised you since you were a baby, and carried you on my back for MONTHS and this is how you talk to me!"

"Onbu." A sniff and pout.

"That's what I thought!"

Smirk, "Onbu."

"ONBU!!!"

The remaining Shinobi (well, the ones that hadn't high-tailed it out of there upon the monster's arrival) gaped and stared in awe. It was ridiculously amazing how… girly Naruto sounded.

"Did… he just refer to himself as 'mother'?" Sai whispered, twitching.

"Yes…" Neji murmured, "I believe he did…"

"Awwww…" Temari squealed, hugging Gaara happily, "He'll make such a good mom for all of your little babies!"

"Uh, sis…" Kankurou sweat dropped, "Naruto can't have babies, he's, you know, male… even if he acts like a friggin girl…"

"…" Gaara agreed, turning the slightest tinge of pink as he imagined Naruto presenting him with a little miniature version of himself with Naruto's big, blue eyes.

"Besides, if he has anyone's babies, he'll be having mine." Sasuke smirked.

"Fate will never allow that, Uchiha."

"Over your dead body!" 

"…I'd kill you first."

Temari sighed and shook her head at the idiocy of boys and turned to look back at the blonde, the lazy genius who was watching them, boredom plastered on his face, and Naruto's… er, Onbu. Well, the dinner party was indeed ruined (understatement there), but they all learned an important leason.

"Oi, Gaara."

"What, Temari…?" 

"Naruto is NEVER allowed anywhere near the kitchen for any reason ever again, ok?"

"…hm." Gaara agreed, twitching at the mess his once perfect dining hall was now in. 

-------------------------

End Chapter. Nn


	7. Chapter 7

SOAP OPERA EXTREME: Desert Ramen Love

Chapter Seven: Heart to Heart of the Furry Kind

-----

AUTHOR'S NOTE ON STORY CHANGE

-----

A/N: Ok, here's the deal ppls. I'm not sure if I like where this story is going anymore--it seems like I spiraled off into the wonderful La-La-Land World of Randomness sometime in the prequel, around chapter seven…

So, in light of the fact that I'm a lazy ass, I won't be deleting or reposting or crap like that… I'll just work with what I have and get back on track. So, look forward to BETTER writing on my part. Lol Hopefully… not to worry, tho, we'll still have SOME randomness… () (ß it's a cat… yeah)

-----

Naruto sighed heavily as he flung himself down onto his bed later that night. This was SO not working. Groaning, he ripped off his HORRIBLE, evil kimono and flung it across the room--where it nearly hit poor Onbu.

"Onbu!" it protested angrily, pouting.

"Sorry, Onbu…" Naruto sweat dropped as the monster jumped onto the bed with its 'mother.'

"Onbuuuu?"

Naruto scratched the back of his head awkwardly, "Yeah, you could say I've been having a little bit of… difficulty…"

Onbu cocked its head to the side in confusion, "Onbu?"

"Well, its just that, you know, I want to be someone he'll like…" he paused and made a face, "and it seems like I've just been screwing things up, you know? Ugh… Kankurou gets me cooking--and we ALL know I can't cook anything other than ramen, and Temari has me in… in that!" he waved randomly at the evil-kimono-of-doom sitting in the corner.

Onbu nodded solemnly, "Onbu." 

"It's annoying…" Naruto muttered, leaning back and staring at the ceiling, "I feel like I'm thirteen again." 

"…Onbu?"

Naruto laughed and grinned, "No, I promise I won't go back to liking Sakura."

Onbu sighed in relief, "Ooooonbu."

A sharp knock at the door alerted Naruto to the ninja standing in his open-when did he unlock his door?-doorway, "Hey, Pineapple head."

Shikamaru rolled his eyes and entered the room, stuffing his hands in his pocket, "Tch, you're so troublesome Naruto," he paused and eyed the Kimono on the floor warily, as if it was going to bite him, "tch, especially if you keep wearing dresses…" shaking his head, he leaned against the wall, making a face.

"Ugh! I told Temari-nee-chan it looked like a dress… I have no pride as a man anymore."

"Tch. You never had any pride as a man." 

"Onbu!"

'They're right, brat. You were the one who invented that ludicrous sexy-no-jutsu.' Kyuubi muttered deep in Naruto's mind.

Naruto deadpanned "Whose side are you guys on?"

Shikamaru yawned and shrugged, "The least troublesome one."

Rolling his eyes, Naruto muttered, "Well, since you're so smart, you tell me what I should do, Pineapple Head."

"Onbuuu!"

Shikamaru snorted and muttered, "You baka… You were doing fine before."

"Eh?" 

"He liked you before all this 'listen to the crazy fangirl' crap, right?"

"Yeah…?"

"So, baka, go back to being the hyperactive moron we all know and are moderately annoyed with. Tch, baka."

Naruto blinked slightly and jumped up on the bed, pumping his fist into the air, "YOOOOOSH!"

Shikamaru and Onbu sweat dropped.

"Onbu." 

"Yeah, Naruto's an idiot--Wait a minute… I did not just… ugh."

"ONBU!" Onbu cried, glomping him. 

"HAHA! Shika understands Onbu now too!"

'Aww… shit… I'm loosing brain cells just by being around him…' Shikamaru thought in annoyance, deadpanning.

---

Naruto nodded firmly to Onbu, who stood at the ready on the other side of the room. Today was the day, the day he was going to clean up his act! Yosh! He glanced at Gaa-Gaa and nodded to the goldfish as well (who, really, didn't look all that interested), and cracked his knuckles.

Hiking up his sleeves, he waded into his closet and began tossing out ANYTHING that was even remotely girly, prissy, or resembled a dress. Onbu, for its part, ran around the room with the garbage can to catch the wayward apparel.

"Naruto… what are you doing?"

Naruto paused, knee deep in old shirts, and turned to glance at Gaara who stood in the doorway, raising an eyebrow at his behavior, "Heh heh… just cleaning out my closet." 

"I see…" Gaara muttered.

Naruto blushed and quickly turned back to his laundry, "Oh my RAMEN! It's my ramen t-shirt! I've been looking everywhere for this!!!"

Gaara's eye twitched and he slowly shook his head at his crush's antics, "Kankurou broke the stove, Temari is sending me to fetch dinner. Do you want to come al--"

"YATTA!" Naruto cried, dragging his friend along.

Onbu sighed and shook its head, deciding to go find Uncle Shika to bother.

---

"OH MY RAMEN! A RAMEN SHOP!" Naruto shrieked, practically ripping Gaara's arm off in the process of dragging said boy into the new stand, "When did THIS come up?"

"Last month sometime."

"YOSH!" Naruto cheered, pumping a fist into the air.

Gaara eyed his friend and nodded to himself. It seemed whatever strange phase the boy was going through was over--not that he would complain if Naruto ever wore a kimono again, of course. That was rather… pleasant to see. It was still nice, however, to see that Naruto could still down eight bowls of ram--wait. Gaara felt his eye twitch. When had he even started to eat? And when had he gone past the eight--er, make that nine--bowl mark?

Sighing, he went to his own bowl of ramen and slurped contently.

"Uh, Gaa-chan?"

"Hmmm?" Gaara glanced out of the corner of his eye at a fidgeting Naruto and raised an eyebrow.

Naruto coughed awkwardly, "Er, well, I noticed a sign on our way here that said there was going to be a mini carnival coming into town tonight… I was wondering if you wanted to go with me."

Gaara blinked slowly. Was Naruto… asking him on a date? Carefully schooling his features to keep the blush at bay, Gaara nodded, "Of course, Naruto."

"R-really? YATTA!" 

---

Shikamaru rolled his eyes as he pushed the furry monster off of him, "Oi, your mom is home now, so go bug him." 

Naruto stuck his tongue out at the lazy genius and retorted, "Don't talk to my baby like that, Lazy Ass!"

"Onbu!" 

"Tch. You're both so troublesome."

"Hey, Shika-baka?"

"What, Naruto?"

"Why haven't you left yet? I mean, normally you leave right away…"

"Tch. It's troublesome, but Sakura has started being crazy without the Uchiha there with her. I'm biding my time until I tell him Tsunade wants him back."

Naruto blinked, "Tsunade is calling him back?"

"Yeah, his fangirls are starting to turn the village into a war zone. It's troublesome."

Snickering, Naruto shook his head and rolled his eyes, "Sakura-chan can be a little difficult sometimes…"

Shikamaru yawned and shrugged, "So, did you ask him baka?"

"Yes! And he said he would go!" Naruto cheered, pumping his fist in the air.

"Told you. Tch. You're so troublesome, if you would only listen to me to begin with…"

"Bah, who'd listen to you, Pineapple Head?"

---

"He… asked you out?"

Gaara nodded at his sister as he pulled his sweater on.

"OH MY GODS! I HAVE TO GET THIS ON TAPE!"

Gaara twitched and said nothing as he left his obsessing sister.

---------------- 

End chapter.


	8. Chapter 8

SOAP OPERA EXTREME: Desert Ramen Love

Chapter Eight: My Favorite Flavor

A/N: I'm so sorry for the lack of updates… I've been… lazy. Yeah. -hangs head in shame-

---

"Oh… my… holy ramen."

Shikamaru twitched and looked over at his friend, "Tch, what now?"

"I have nothing to wear!" 

"Naruto… you're acting like a girl again."

"I AM NOT! I just want to look, er, NICE! It's not a crime! YEESH!" Naruto pouted, turning away.

Smirking, Shikamaru drawled, "You could always wear that dress again…"

Naruto glared, "It wasn't a dress!"

"Tch. Right, it just looked like one."

---

Neji narrowed his eyes as he, Sai, and Sasuke listened to the conversation through the door. Where on earth could Naruto be going (and with whom?) that had him in such a frantic state?

"What are you three doing?"

Cringing, they slowly turned to look at the annoyed looking Gaara, who was absentmindedly tugging at his dress shirt.

Sai shrugged and grinned perversely, "Hoping Neji would use his Byakugan and tell us what Naruto looks like naked?"

Sasuke twitched violently and he glared at the other dark haired boy.

Neji, however, scoffed, "We were just attempting to find the reason for Naruto's frazzled state, Kazekage-sama."

Gaara simply 'hmm'-ed in response as he brushed past the three hormone driven teenagers and rapped on Naruto's door, "Naruto, are you ready?"

There was a self suffering sigh from the other side as Shikamaru poked his head out, exasperation clearly written on his face, "It's troublesome, but he's still being a girl."

"I AM NOT BEING A GIRL, PINEAPPLE-HEAD!"

Shikamaru quickly stepped on the outside of the door and closed it to save himself from the random projectile thrown at his head.

"He'll be a while yet, tch."

"…Hm."

Sasuke's eyes narrowed viciously, "And where are you two going?"

Shikamaru smirked, "They're going on a date--isn't that cute."

"SHUT UP PINEAPPLE-HEAD!!!"

Neji and Sai face-faulted as Gaara and Sasuke glared at each other.

---

Temari grinned evilly as she tucked her precious camera away into her bag--she may have missed Naruto asking Gaara out, but there was no way in Hell she was missing their first date! Quickly shoving other random needed supplies (in her opinion, anyway) into Kankurou's arms, she nodded to herself and set out.

"And… why am I going again?" Kankurou blinked.

"I need a pack-mule, baka."

Kankurou pouted.

---

Stalking. God, he was starting to feel like Sakura. Shrugging off that disgusting thought, Sasuke dodged into the bushes as Naruto turned around, once again, after having felt eyes boring into the back of his head.

"Naruto, is everything alright?" Gaara asked in his typical monotone, a frown marring his face as he looked back at the same bush.

"Nah, thought I felt someone watching me," Naruto shrugged, "just paranoid, I guess."

Gaara shrugged and glanced at the blonde's hand for what had to be the tenth time that night. 

'Yeah, keep on looking, bastard.' Sasuke thought viciously from his hiding place.

"Uchiha, you can't keep following Naruto around."

Sasuke turned and glared daggers at Neji and Sai who happened to be standing behind him with aggravated looks.

"I'm not following him," Sasuke snapped, turning back to spying on the pair.

"Of course," Sai chirped, "you're just stalking him."

"Exactly." 

Neji rolled his eyes in exasperation as he and Sai held the angry Uchiha back from lunging at the duo when Naruto glomped onto Gaara, pointing at a random attraction.

"Come on, Uchiha-san, Shikamaru needed to talk to you."

--- 

"WHAT?!?!"

Shikamaru sighed heavily, "You heard me, Uchiha. It's troublesome, but Tsunade wants you back to placate the fangirls."

Sasuke twitched, "Fuck no. I'm not leaving."

"You have no choice in the matter. Tch, to make sure you go, Hokage-sama has ordered Neji and Sai to accompany you." 

With a growl, Sasuke turned and stomped away, "Whatever, asshole."

Neji groaned in aggravation, "Must we accompany him?"

"Hokage's orders," Shikamaru shrugged.

"Very well," Neji sighed, trudging out after the Uchiha with Sai. 

"Onbu?"

Once the three boys were out, Shikamaru turned to the furry creature with a smirk, "Of course the Hokage didn't order them to escort him."

"On-Onbu?" 

"Simple. It's much less troublesome here. Besides, if I don't make sure Naruto doesn't make a baka of himself, no one will."

"Ooooooooonbuuuu."

---

"Ok, this is boring. When are they going to get to the kissing and crap?" Kankurou whined, flipping through his Doujinshi. Really, Gaara and Naruto would be awed by how many they had.

Why the crazy fangirls made more SasuNaru than GaaNaru Doujinshi, however, was beyond him. All he knew was that Naruto made an adorable uke-chibi. 

Temari gawked at her brother in disgust and slowly shook her head. It was one thing taping GaaNaru to sell on the internet later, it was a completely different thing to actually read it.

"You're a sad, strange, sick person, Kankurou."

"…So? Look how adorable Naruto is as a uke!"

---

Naruto sneezed and looked around, frowning.

Gaara turned to look at his date curiously, "Something wrong?"

"Naw, must be getting a cold or something," he paused, pointing at a random ramen stand, "LOOK! RAMEN!"

Sighing, Gaara prepared to have his arm tugged off once again.

---

As they sat enjoying their ramen, Naruto turned to look at Gaara thoughtfully. Said boy turned to him with a raised eyebrow--well, what would have been a raised eyebrow if he had any.

"Ano… Gaara?"

"Hmm?" 

"Remember the first time we ate ramen?"

Gaara nodded. How could he forget?

"Well, I, um…" Naruto blushed deeply, fiddling with his fingers, "I mean… I… erk.. How do I say this…"

Turning in his seat, Gaara let his eyes settle on his embarrassed love.

"Well, you remember how I told you that you were like ramen? Well, I, uh… GAARA!" Gaara blinked in surprise and leaned back away from the suddenly standing and yelling blonde, "YOU'RE MY FAVORITE FLAVOR! AND I WANT YOU TO BE THE ONLY RAMEN IN MY LIFE!!!"

Naruto sighed heavily and plopped back down into his seat, looking at the red-head nervously.

"Are you asking me… to be your boyfriend… Naruto?"

Naruto nodded vigorously.

Gaara smirked and reached forward, tilting the blonde's head back.

"G-Gaara?" 

Naruto turned various shades of pretty pink and red when Gaara's lips brushed against his own. Naruto, of course, took that for a yes and leaned forward to deepen their kiss.

--- 

"It's about fricking time!" Kankurou grinned. 

"…Pervert." Temari whispered, edging away from the ogling boy. 

----------------------------------------------------------------- 

End Chapter.

I'll prolly have like, one more chapter nn


	9. Chapter 9

SOAP OPERA EXTREME: Desert Ramen Love

Epilogue: Runaway Love

a/n; Last chapter! Yay!

--- Five years Later

Naruto was very grateful that Gaara was ever patient with him. If his darling psychotic lover hadn't been, we was certain the red-head would have thrown him out--especially after their adopted five year old son had come home demanding ramen…

One week and two days after Gaara had declared the house to be ramen-free for their children--he didn't want his offspring (biological or not) to be addicted to the stuff as well--Naruto made the mistake of sharing said food (HOLY RAMEN!) with his charming son… and made an instant addict out of him.

Needless to say, Naruto didn't get any for a loooong time after that.

Grinning to himself as he rushed to meet with his lover and son at the park, he glanced at all the shops lining Konoha.

'_This place has changed in the past couple of years, hasn't it?' _he thought in amusement as he watched Lee and Ten-Ten walking around with Neji and Sai, probably on a double-date again. Now, that had been a surprise. He told Gaara about his surprise once, and the ever brilliant red-head said they had bonded over saving Naruto's chastity from his stalker.

Naruto hadn't even known he HAD a stalker.

And they still refused to tell him who it was. Bastards.

Shaking the thoughts from his head, he waved over at Shikamaru and Chouji through the barbeque restaurant's window as he passed.

Vagualy, eh wondered where Sasuke and Sakura were…

"LEAVE ME ALONE, YOU HARPY!!!"

Naruto blinked as said Uchiha ran passed him, looking thoroughly mad, with a screeching Sakura at his heels, "GET YOUR BUTT BACK HERE, SASUKE! WE HAVE A WEDDING TO PLAN!"

"I AM NOT MARRYING YOU, BITCH!"

Shaking his head, Naruto grinned as he continued on his way. It was funny, really. After he and Gaara had gotten together, Sakura had been following him around, saying the Hokage hade promised her the Uchiha's hand in marriage… Although, why Sasuke was so against the idea was beyond him. Then again, Sasuke was a weird guy… who stared at him a lot. That WAS kind of strange…

He grinned as he came upon the park, his lover reclining under a tree while their energetic son ran around with the many other children. Gaara said Toki took after Naruto completely--and he had to agree.

Well, it was only fair. The kid looked like Gaara for the most part, so he SHOULD act like him.

Planting a chaste kiss on Gaara's cheek as he sat down next to the annoyed man, he grinned in apology, "Sorry I'm late."

"Hm," was the only verbal response he got, but the non-verbal ones were always more important than the verbal ones anyway.

And the way Gaara was eying his sweaty, panting form, told Naruto he was more than forgiven.

-----

The end. FINALLY. Lol

I'm working on a Jiraiya/Naruto fic next nn I was going to do a Obito/Naru… but I had sudden inspiration for the J/N one, so… yeah. Lol

And I'd like to give a special shout-out to my beta--I love you for all your hard work in making sure my grammar doesn't suck bad! -glomps-


End file.
